May 13 2008
Bipolar Dad – New Days
Bipolar Dad –
Hello again, well in my last post I dropped the old “poetry bomb” on you. I just thought it was the best way to start out. The Poem was something I wrote after a manic burst of creative energy. I wrote about three or four and of course, was up all night… Now the thing you should know about me is I hate poetry! Well, not hate, it is just not my favorite artistic medium to read. You know, poems with way too much rhyming. I’m a want-to-be cartoonist/illustrator but it seems like when I get really emotional, I end up “bleeding it out with words.” So, if you keep up with me here, and I hope you do, you will get a few more of the poems… Sorry!
Let’s get down to it! Fatherhood is hard enough without tossing mental illness into the scheme. Now if you’re here to find out how to successfully deal with a mental illness and continue to be the great father that you are – you are going to be let down. I’m not a doctor, nor am I a bipolar guru. What I am is a man, a father just trying not to do to my kids what my father did to me and my brother and sisters. I will get into my father later, but as you can believe, I have some good stories I’ll pass on.
Well, lets start with today, Monday, May 12, 2008 this has been quite a weekend mood wise. Let’s just say Bipolar Dad, was really off his rocker, rage, anger, ideations, paranoia, and a taste of psychosis to boot. What does that do on the mind of a child? How does one make amends? A new day, a fresh start…a “Marvelous” Monday…A day of balance, a day of peace; a day of love. The day started out with homemade pancakes, and not just any old flapjack! With Dad’s own twist, O.k., any Mothers reading this, you got me at the homemade part since it is more of just from a box. It’s what I do next that makes it homemade. I use a little milk instead of water and add sugar to the mix… Then I added some strawberry yogurt and chocolate sauce and you have, “Dad’s Famous Chocolate Pancakes”…. Yummm! Cooking with the kids is a great activity to do dads. I’ll post the exact recipe later for you to try it out. Then, we all went and had a picnic and went shopping. Well, that’s what “Marvelous” means to me…forgiveness, healing for my kids, my wife and me.
I do try my best to control my outbursts around the kids but sometimes you just don’t have the balance. Now I’m a big guy, 300lb+ and with out sounding too macho, I can be quite a force of nature when I’m mad. Yet, that’s me just blowing off steam but it can be very scary when it does happen. I have had it under control for the most part around my kids but with my wife, well that is a whole other blog! Here is where it got scary, about 6 months ago, when I was off my meds, I lost my temper, and all the kids and Mom ran into the other room while I blew my top. I was mad about something of no real consequence. When I was done screaming, over nothing, there was a hush in the air and all I heard was a slight whimper. My heart started pounding cause I knew what it was, my eyes tearing up as I turned around, there standing, white as a ghost was my two year old. I thought she was in the other room with Mom but she was behind me the whole time… She stood frozen standing in a puddle of urine with a glazed look in her eyes. At that moment, that very second, all I wanted to do was die! How could I cause so much pain to some one so innocent? That night, I burned the pain away into my flesh so I would never forget. Each burn represented each child so I’m branded and can never forget. Please, don’t take this story and sum me up, this is just a small part of who I am. But, I know, with all the great and fun loving stuff I do as a father, in the end, I fear my wrath and mood swings will have me labeled as that “Bipolar Dad”.
One Response to “Bipolar Dad – New Days”
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My advise to you, Sir, is to apologise to your children. Often. You have to take responsibility for your actions now before it is too late. They are your doing, not “your illness”.
My father is also bipolar, and now at the age of 22, having had years of mental abuse I have finally decided that maintaining a relationship is pointless. He has not once apologised to me for his actions, or to anyone, and I am certain he does not believe it is his fault.